Why Wasn’t Dracula’s Penis Larger

Dracula’s dong underwhelmed me. I expected more from the lord of darkness’s kitty-smasher. Its humble length and girth made the rest of the movie hard to care about. I couldn’t enjoy any of the post-peen parts of the film because my mind was lingering on how incredibly meh Dracula’s iguana was.

It’s Just That Given the Themes of the Story Dracula Having a Monster Pecker Would be an Entirely Reasonable Artistic Choice

Dracula is a rival for Ellen’s affection, right. He represents base, carnal pleasure. No one is denying this. So having Ellen’s sexual id sport a truly devastating yogurt cannon would further emasculate Thomas and explain why the young solicitor’s behavior in the latter part of the film is so erratic. Because Dracula’s cock is living rent-free inside of his head.

I Don’t Mean to Harp on Dracula’s Dong, but His Modestly-Sized Beef Brisket Struck Me as a Missed Opportunity

Stories need to be told as efficiently as possible, and in visual storytelling that means using images in place of words whenever possible. With this in mind I can think of no better way to convey Dracula’s insatiable sexual appetite than to have him hanging a rope so righteous you half-expect Tarzan to be swinging from it.

I Mean Was it Just Cold in That Crypt Or

I am willing to accept this as an explanation.

The End (of Dracula’s Penis Was Not Close Enough to His Ankles as You Could Justifiably Make It Given the Obvious Narrative and Thematic Realities at Hand)

Oh, wait, his name was Nosferatu in this one, wasn’t it. Whatever. Just make his dick bigger.