Weapons was a delight. I have quibbles, I guess, but nothing worth getting all The Fundamentals of Storytelling about. I mostly just want to give a shoutout to an aspect of the film that I feel has not gotten enough love, or even attention, but is an essential component as to why this movie goes down so smooth: every character in it is a dumbass who sucks at everything.

Stupidity is a gift, and its majesty ties us all together. Open a movie with our hero getting his dick stuck in his zipper and then falling out of a third-story window into a garbage truck full of exploding diapers and I know I’m in the company of a fellow traveler. You don’t make friends by showing people how smart you are. You do it by showing them how fucking stupid you are. You do it by swallowing an entire spoonful of dry cinnamon and then spraying that shit out like Bowser trying to fricassée Mario. You do it by trying out for a sport you’ve never played before. You do it by supporting the Kansas City Royals. There is nothing more human than being an idiot.

And this movie has the goods. Off the top of my head:

• It never occurs to the police to check the direction in which the children were running the night they all disappeared.
• Gandy and Graff sit outside Alex’s house before the final confrontation against the ultimate evil and aren’t sure if they should knock or just go right in. They don’t want to be rude.
• Gandy decides to perform a one-woman stakeout, even after being told that’s kinda-sorta illegal, and also decides that her performance in this task will improve by being shitfaced drunk. Someone steals her hair. 
• Gladys’ plan is basically to hope that no one notices that she has eaten most of the town. 
• When the children are turned against Gladys at the end of the film she doesn’t have, like, a counter-spell or anything. She just kind of goes “fuuuuck” and then runs away. This may be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in a movie, or anywhere.
• Principal Miller and his husband just stand there and watch as an evil witch performs a satanic incantation in their kitchen. They hand her whatever tools she asks for in order to murder them. Even though they have a mutual look that says “this better not be for an evil spell you’re conjuring!” they still do not stop handing her things. 
• Paul gets stabbed so many times. It almost seems difficult to get stabbed as many times as Paul gets stabbed. I do not think that, if tasked with getting stabbed as frequently or by as many different objects as Paul does I would be able to. Paul gets stabbed a lot. 

Nudity isn’t the great equalizer. Death isn’t, either. It’s stupidity. Being incredibly stupid and doing everything wrong is the holiest of holies, the inner sanctum of the human heart that ties us all together. Never pass up an opportunity to be so fucking stupid that you let an evil witch into your house and wait patiently while she kills you.