Bridge Troll Wishes People Would Just Hear Him Out Before Screaming And Running Away

Dumbass Tries To Fend Off Zombies With Garlic

Turtle Wishes Family Goodbye, Goes To Get Mail

Influencer Wishes He Had Spent More Time Influencing His Family

Report: Global Economy Propped Up Entirely By Tech Jargon

Cat Didn’t Get Sufficient Tummy Scratches This Morning, Will Be Collecting Souls Tonight

David Cronenberg Settles In For Night Of Thinking The Darkest Thoughts Ever To Cross A Human Mind

Unattractive Man Also Has Pretty Shitty Personality

Local Kindergartener Doesn’t Know What Will Happen When He Puts Mom’s Cellphone In The Microwave, But Sure Is Excited To Find Out

Martin Scorsese Considering Trying His Hand At The Mobster Genre

Both Sides Pointing In Opposite Directions After Draw Play On Fourth-And-One; Referees Not Sure Who To Trust

Alcoholic Boldly Decides To Quit Drinking After This One Last Beer

Man Declines Invitation To 25-Year High-School Reunion, Prefers To Assume They’re All Dead

Extremely Comfortable Man Notices Smoke Alarm Has Gone From Flashing Yellow To Flashing Red, Is Going To Assume That’s Fine

Rabbit Suddenly Realizes Something Really Important Halfway Through Crossing The Street

Bari Weiss Pledges To Get Hitler’s Side Of The Story

Local Man Knows Ceiling Fan Won’t Decapitate Him, But He’s Not Taking Any Chances, Either

Kash Patel Pledges Investigation Into How Kash Patel Became FBI Director

Bob Dylan Tries To Blow Everyone’s Mind By Going Electric, Is Informed He Already Did That Once

Point-Counterpoint:

Following This Ghoulish Specter Into The Dark Attic Is A Terrible Idea And Will Almost Certainly Lead To My Death

vs.

Eh, It’ll Be Fine