Man With Nothing Left To Lose Becomes New York Jets Fan
Football Team Regrets Spending All Season Preaching “Next Man Up” Mentality Upon Realizing Just How Fucking Awful Their Backups Are
Stephen Miller Can’t Figure Out Why There Hasn’t Been Any Activity In The Neo-Nazi Group Chat, Hopes They Haven’t Started A New One Without Him
Toddler Learned Her Lesson Last Time, Won’t Be Fucking With See-Saw Today
Man Successfully Fooling People At Party Into Believing He Has Any Idea What The Fuck A Tachyon Is
Alcoholic Has No Idea Why Wife Left, Assumes It Was Probably Something The Kids Did
Man Hopes He Finishes Making Sandwich Before Having To Slow For Tollbooth, But Also Knows That Quality Takes Time
Costumed Interpreter At Sturbridge Village Answers Phone, Is Immediately Liquidated By Team Of Sharpshooters
Spelling Bee Contestant As Surprised As Anyone He Got That Last One Right
Man In Skinny Jeans Would Rather Be Dead, Might Already Be
Frontrunner In Republican Primary Tumbles In Standings After Accidentally Revealing He Can Read
In Latest Enshrinement Gambit, Barry Bonds Stands Perfectly Still In Baseball Hall Of Fame And Hopes No One Notices He’s There
Local Band Takes Each Other’s Hands And Reaffirms What A Pleasure It’s Been Before Attempting YYZ
Local Weirdo Suddenly Realizes Everything Is Actually Feminism’s Fault
Tom Nook Watches Latest Batch Of Villagers Arriving, Sulfurous Fires of Hell Dancing Wickedly In His Merciless Eyes
I’ll Stop Drinking Spicy V8 Splash When It Stops Being A Gift From Heaven Itself
Local Junior High Student Still Hasn’t Rubbed One Out This Morning And The Bus Will Be Here Any Minute, But Conflict Is What Turns Us Into The People We Were Meant To Be
Precocious Toddler Turns Head Completely Backwards And Announces It Is Time For The Reaping
Dodgers Announce Signing Of Every Literary Villain In History Of Western Canon
Point-Counterpoint:
We Should Probably Stop Valedictorian Speech That Just Began With “I’ve Got A Lot Of Problems With You People!”
Vs.
Let’s See Where He’s Going With This