Man Decides Against Serenading Girlfriend With Commodores Song After Determining She Is, At Best, Two Times A Lady

NFL Informs Chargers They Are Allowed To Score Points In Playoff Games

Saruman Has To Do Palantír Password Recovery For Like The Thousandth Fucking Time

Parent’s Fourth Favorite Child Strongly Encouraged To Up Her Game

James Franco Attempts To Sneak Back Into Hollywood Disguised As Gregarious English Maid

Ghost of Bob Knight Frustrated He Cannot Choke Players While In Incorporeal Form

Joe Mazzulla Yelling At Jaylen Brown, But Thinking About Jayson Tatum

Man At Fancy Dinner Absolutely Stoked To Find Out What All These Forks Are For

Stone Cold Badass Doesn’t Even Fucking Flinch When Low Gas Light Appears on Dashboard

Titanic, Iceberg Offer Conflicting Accounts of Collision

Elderly Sage Tired Of People Assuming He Knows A Better Way, One Without Violence, Without Pain

Devastated Bill Simmons Can’t Decide Which One Of Pedro Martinez’s Cy Young Seasons Larry David’s Post-Seinfeld Career Most Reminds Him Of

Man Absolutely Intends To Start Infinite Jest, Has Just Been Busy

Platypus Working Through Body Image Issues

RFK Jr. Leads Elementary School Students In Group Exercises, Somehow Gives Everybody Whooping Cough

Malcolm Gladwell Goes On Absolute Heater About Topic He Clearly Knows Nothing About

Report: Pennywise The Dancing Clown Would Not Claim Nearly As Many Victims If Kids Would Just Use Some Common Fucking Sense

Stephen Miller Clarifies He Only Meant To Be Racist Towards Sunni Muslims, Has Nothing But Respect For Shia

Dad Keeping 1997 Saturn SC2 Looking Absolutely Fucking Prime

Markets Cool As Every Corporation On Earth Revealed To Be Nvidia Wearing Various Disguises