Screaming Toddler Throws Bowl Of Spaghetti Across Kitchen Floor, Makes Valid Point

Local Man Has Unsettlingly Strong Opinions On Highlander Franchise

You Can Fill Up On As Much Quinoa As You Want, That Pastrami Sandwich In The Fridge Isn’t Going Anywhere

Couple Hosting Cocktail Party Hopes No One Notices Evil Orb Hovering In Middle Of Living Room And Emitting Vile, Deathless Song

Cincinnati Bengals Practice Facility Taken Over By Ill-Tempered Chicken

Say What You Want About Old Testament God, But The Salty Bitch Got Shit Done

Man Whose Job Is To Swing Completely Naked On A Medieval Bell While His Best Friend, A Centaur, Plays Slide Guitar In A Mysterious Desert Doesn’t Understand Why People Find Cologne Commercials Indulgent And Confusing

Bat With Terrible Sonar Forced To Squint Really Hard

Man Applying For Novelty License Plate Prepared For The Responsibilities That Come With Being DONGFIRE

State Farm Advertising Executives Forced To Listen As Chris Paul Outlines 1,200 Page Roadmap For His Character

Comedy Writer Spends Hours Trying To Decide If Harry Chud Or Dick Smelly Is The Funnier Name, Wishes He Had Finished Law School

Galactic Empire Severs Ties With Consulting Firm Whose Only Advice Is To Build The Death Star Again

College Football Coaches Appalled At Level Of Corruption That Used To Be Reserved Solely For College Football Coaches

Local Woman Knows She Was Drunk When She Promised She Would Kill Barney, The Purple Dinosaur, But You’re Only As Good As Your Word, And Her Parents Raised Her Right

Spain And Portugal Occasionally Checking South American Social Media Accounts To See If They’re Still Mad About Colonialism

Teetering Global Economy Could Really Go For A World War Right About Now

Newly-Elected Comptroller Plans To Comptrol The Shit Out Of This Motherfucker

Man Buys A Post Digger, Has No Idea Why He Bought A Post Digger

Noble Captain Tells Each Soldier How Much They Have Meant To Him, Still Can’t Remember That One Guy’s Name

Mikaela Shriffin Cites New Training Regimen, Being Chased By The Abominable Snowman In Helping Her Break Latest Alpine Skiing Record