Predator: Badlands

I love Worf. I wish Worf was my dad. He actually might be. The single greatest thing about Worf is that he’s basically Larry David.

In watching any Worf-centric movie I can be confident my time won’t be wasted on generically quippy dialogue (he’s too dumb for that), a meaningful character arc (too proud for that) or basic likability (too Larry David for that). I will simply be watching a deeply violent and profoundly stupid man refuse to learn any lesson more complex than “I must violence harder.” I am not being ironic when I say I love this – there is a time for character growth, and Space Murder Man: The Space Murder Movie is not it.

The plot of Predator: Badlands is the same plot as Hot Rod, which is amazing. Our hero, Dek, wants to complete a task for his tribe specifically so he can return home and murder his father for doubting his ability to complete said task. No one, not even his father, finds this strange. Along the way he meets Thia, a busted robot, whose burgeoning humanity he refuses to acknowledge because she is basically a talking hammer to him. If Dek ran for President, I would vote for him.

This movie is a remake of My Fair Lady starring Jeffrey Dahmer. Thia does not convince Dek that he must let go of his anger towards his father, nor does Dek arrive at this conclusion on his own. No, he is going to murder the fuck out of his father. That cake has already been baked. The only character growth for Dek is the realization that he shouldn’t crave murder to win the approval of his tribe – he should crave murder to win the approval of Dek. “Murder people, but for the right reasons,” is basically the Old Testament condensed into a single sentence. This movie is better than the Bible.

The emotional turning point of this movie occurs when Dek spits on a child. I applauded when this happened. I may have cried. I definitely saw God. Anything can be impactful in the world of storytelling if it is richly-realized enough, even being a psychopath. I have no idea why other movies struggle with this. Don’t force your protagonist into the mold of the story; bend the story around the nature of your hero.

The End

I want to get matching tattoos with this movie. I want to file a joint tax return with this movie. I want to play squash with this movie and have a blast even though neither one of us is entirely sure what the rules are. I want to spend an afternoon trying on clothes with this movie at the mall but not actually buy anything.

Seriously, franchise filmmaking isn’t that hard. It’s entirely possible to craft a big honkin’ film that checks all the blockbuster boxes but at the same time also feels like a movie. Dek doesn’t have quippy one-liners! The fate of the universe doesn’t hang in the balance! It’s just a movie. A delicious, lovingly-crafted movie.