I am a vile and reprehensible monster. An emotional derelict by all meaningful metrics – heinous beyond compare, irredeemable in both the eyes of God and man. I get excited when a bobsled team crashes. My jaw makes an annoying clicking sound when I eat. I once called a dog an asshole, and I don’t think it was even doing anything wrong. There’s a lot not to like, is what I’m getting at.

So it reflects more on my lack of reading comprehension than anything else that I initially didn’t like Sophia Coppola’s Priscilla. What an odd premise for a romance! He was a weirdo. She was a child. That’s gross. Try again, Sophia.

But, no – I traced the call, and the dumb was coming from inside my own brain. It wasn’t that Sophia Coppola had been seduced by her own vision, or was oblivious to the asymmetric power dynamics between Priscilla and that grody weirdo. Grotesquely asymmetric power dynamics is the entire point of the movie! The creamy visuals are just there to make their relationship creepier. This is the scariest horror movie of the year. Ari Aster must be fuming.

Elvis doesn’t woo Priscilla, or romance her, or even seduce her. He overwhelms her. It’s amazingly skeevy. Check out the way in which he’s constantly lit (or, oftentimes, deliberately underlit) throughout the movie, and how he dominates the frame whenever he’s on-screen. That type of blocking is what you’d expect to see in a Friday the 13th movie, if Jason could sing, and had delicious hips. It’s masterful, creepy filmmaking!

I owe Cailee Spaeny an apology, too. I initially thought her slightly stilted, charmed-but-sheepish approach to the material was a sign that she, as an actor, was unsure of her performance. But no! It’s because the character is unsure of the situation. Priscilla doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, because she’s being groomed! Spaeny’s performance isn’t shit – it’s a great portrayal of someone who doesn’t realize she is being overwhelmed rather than loved. She’s too young to know any better! A weirdo is taking advantage of her! I needed a fucking shower after watching this movie!

The End

I am dumb, and bad at everything. I thought Deliverance was a comedy. My imaginary friends won’t talk to me. I cry at the end of Jaws because I want the shark to win. I once filled out one of those “Which Power Ranger Are You” quizzes and it told me I was Hitler. I’m convinced I can successfully eat soup with a fork if I just try harder.

This movie is a masterclass in how easy it is to mistake a quickened pulse for the virgin beats of love when you’re too young to realize that a quickened pulse can also mean you’re in danger. The opening shots of Priscilla dolling herself up are eventually re-contextualized to show how she’s been brainwashed by a pervy weirdo. That’s tremendous filmmaking, because it’s fucking gross!

I’m actually surprised this film wasn’t more of a banger, critically. Are people as dumb as me and didn’t get what Coppola was going for, or are there actual criticisms as to how the movie presents gross relationships? I don’t know, and googling the answer would require time better spent washing my eyes out with soap so I’ll never have to see Elvis’s vile leer again.

More good movies, please!